Chemically balanced to give you a better life


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I have no idea what that means – I just had it in my head. It must be from an advert or something – who knows where these things come from. Not that it matters.

As per usual, my posting has become subject to delay. I am sure I could come up with various plausible reasons as to why this occurred, or I could bore you with the tedious truth of it all, but let's go for a more stylised, outlandish reason as to why I haven't posted on here for a while…

On and off this past week, I have been undergoing special training for a highly secret mission for the Federal Bureau of H'Investigation. Yes, that's right – I am an undercover operative for the Jamaican government. Well, no doubt considerably less undercover now that I have broadcast it on possibly the furthest reaching medium of information in the world – t'internet (well, other than the BBC World Service perhaps). Anyway, that is neither here nor there. I'm afraid the nature of the training and of the mission is highly classified, so I am not permitted to divulge any details – just be assured that it would be a highly interesting read and that it would be a perfectly reasonable account as to why I have been unable to post about the last week until now.

Enough of this twoddle – let's take a trip back down memory lane and visit last Tuesday in a detective novel, self-narrative stylee [wibbly-wobbly screen effect ensues]…

It was a cold, dark night… wait a moment – no it wasn't. It wasn't remotely cold or dark – it wasn't even night. It was Tuesday morning; it was hot and it was sunny. I had taken the day off work to travel down to London so that I could sort out my visa, as I was due to travel to Japan for a year in less than a fortnight. Lesser men would've recoiled at the thought of a day in London on the hottest day of the year, but I didn't care – I had a job to do. The train was crowded – like a village fete, but without bouncy castles or a pond. It failed to make a dent on my steely determination to succeed. The breeze from the AirCon whistled down the train like a cool, silent whistle.

I arrived in Kings Cross at 11:21 and was greeted by a stench so vile that it made my eyes water. This was London alright. I made my way out onto the streets and began my long, hard walk to Regent Street – home of the Nova Groups London office. The sun bore down on me like a giant, yellow radiator in the sky; unrelenting in its perpetual desire to make everyone perspire to an uncomfortable degree. I couldn't let it deter me.

I made it to Regent Street and stopped to gather my thoughts. The heat had caused them to scatter – like youths evading the police after an unsuccessful attempt on a liquor store. My sudden lapse in cognitive ability had led me to forget where on Regent Street the Nova offices were located. This could become a problem. Fortunately, time was on my side, so without further ado I pulled my phone from my pocket and dialled the number for the Nova offices. The woman greeted me like only a Nova receptionist could. I filled her in on the details of my predicament and she was quick to resolve the situation. She directed me from my current location to the offices with the greatest of ease; you could tell she had directed people before.

Upon reaching the offices, I noticed that I still had time to kill before my impending meeting with the big wigs. If they could wait then so could I. I asked the doorman how to get to the Japanese embassy. It seemed like a good idea to suss out the route, so that if I had to make a hasty getaway later, my options were open.

The doorman's directions proved sound as I soon found myself stood at the doors of the most Japanese embassy in all of London. With the route now firmly secured in my mind, I headed back to Regent Street.

The incredible heat and my constant walking were beginning to take their toll and I knew I needed to act fast. I immediately made my way to Oxford street to search for the nearest Starbucks, which transpired to be a considerable distance from Regent Street.

I entered the Starbucks and ordered a good old cup of tropical fruit juice blended tea. It tasted like only tropical fruit juice can taste and was as cool as a Snowman's skiing holiday. I knew then that I had made the right decision.

I headed back to Nova and waited for my time to be up. Time passed slowly – seconds felt like minutes, minutes felt like hours, hours felt like slightly longer hours. I read my guide to life in Japan and allowed my mind to relax.

Then the time came. I made my way up the stairs to join the other future Nova employees. They were a mixed bunch, all of whom had their own story to tell. We were given the information we wanted and the certificates we required. With this now complete, we made our way to the embassy.

I began to chat to a young beauty by the name of Fiona. Her hair was as gold as gold can be and her eyes were as blue as the Windows taskbar. We spoke of many things in our short time together, but all too soon the time to part had come.

My time in the embassy was brief and uneventful, save for a disagreement between my belt and the metal detector. A group of us headed to the nearest Pub to discuss the day's events and our new lives in the land of the rising sun.

A couple of hours later and it was time to depart. I had a long walk ahead of me and I had become pressed for time. I bid my farewells and made my way back to Kings Cross station. The walk was long and hard; my feet felt I had been walking on hot coals.

I arrived at Kings Cross only moments before my train was due to leave. I made my way to the far carriage and hopped on. My only option was to stand in the intersection between carriages. It was hot and busy and there was no AirCon. Sweat trickled from my brow like a waterfall and managed to exacerbate an already uncomfortable situation. The sun had won this round and didn't I just know it.

The train ride seemed to last forever – it amazes me I'm not still there now. I eventually returned home, knowing that the day had been a success and I could now rest easy.


THE END


Well, there you go – that was something a bit different. Also, I neglected to highlight in my little story that during my day in London my laptop was delivered.  I am currently using it to do this post (well this last little bit as the rest was done at work) and it is most excellent.  

This is looking to turn into a giant post actually as I have managed to ramble on for ages and I still have last weekend to cover as well. I think I will cover that in a separate post, otherwise this will become some sort of epic post of ridiculous proportions. So then – onto the next post… 


2 Responses to “Chemically balanced to give you a better life”

  1. Anonymous Anonymous 

    Truly a return to your most amusing posts, like the infamous dealings with phone companies that I enjoyed so much. My favourite quote of this post: "Her eyes were as blue as the Windows taskbar" I think that may well qualify as quote of the week on my site! Promise me though, that you'll never EVER use that as a chatup line!

    Anyway glad everything went smoothly, well except for the weather, I know how skanky London is on a hot day-I had to endure it yesterday.

  2. Anonymous Anonymous 

    Hehe glad you enjoyed this post. My imagination seems to come alive more when I write my posts at work rather than when I get home from work. Perhaps it's because I am being paid for my musings.

    I shall try to avoid making any references to Windows the next time I talk to a beautiful woman, otherwise it may end up being the last time one talks to me.

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